Today has been one hell of a day, so let’s start with things that help me keep my shit together to the best of my abilities: meditation/prayer, yoga, and skating.
By the grace of God, I was able to do all three today.
Today is day 1 of the Yoga for Every Body 31 Day Challenge, and the first thing we’re covering is breathing. I shared a video I did on opening up with breathing before going into the asana practice, and our challengers started day 1 good and strong <3
I started my breathing exercises this morning when I woke up, and I felt empowered to have an awesome day.
Life, however, has a wicked sense of humor, and before I knew it, I was on the floor again practicing my breathing to keep from having a panic attack.
It’s been a while since I had one, and I can remember the last one distinctly, just like I remember the last time I got high. That last one really sticks in our minds. And, just like the last time I got high, the last panic attack was when I made a decision that I will NOT let this shit control me, that *I* am in control. Since then, I do get stressed and my anxiety still triggers, but it hasn’t yet gotten the best of me since then.
One day at a time.
So, though it’s ironic that the leader of the yoga challenge is still struggling with being calm and peaceful, I’m reminded how far I’ve come from when I first started.
So, as I continue to heal, I’m hoping my transparency in the journey is helpful and beneficial to people, but if anything, it’s helpful to me.
I just got off the phone with Silent Unity to get some help dealing with the ongoing, incoming influx of texts, messages and conversations that are coming my way from “friends.” Though I’ve outright said that I’m not using anymore and I don’t judge anyone who does, it’s clear that does NOT work both ways. One week sober. The title of this post comes from a meeting I went to today, and man did that one resonate with me. We choose our reactions. We really do. I own up to that, but… *Dr. Banner has left the building and here comes The Hulk*
Apparently I have to be VERY specific about what is acceptable behavior around me, like for instance, DON’T FUCKING ASK ME FOR DRUGS AND DON’T SUGGEST I USE THEM ‘FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES’.
I can’t even. I can’t fucking even.
Just…I mean, really?
Sure, Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us not to take it personally. It’s not personal. But, it’s been a week, and I’m raw as a fucking nerve.
I’m raw as a damn nerve because I’m FEELING. I’VE gotten the “you’re different now”, same as I got when I started getting healthy and fit, same thing that happened when I came out. I’m not hiding under a mask, trying to pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m not trying to conceal it anymore, there’s nothing left to hide anymore. And again, I know it’s other people’s shit, but it’s a human need and desire to be accepted and loved, so I’m reminded that I won’t get it from EVERYONE, but I have to surround myself with people that help me get what I need.
When I started on this journey of unabashed authenticity, I knew I’d get arrows shot at me, but I thought I was strong enough to withstand them. I’m not. However, I can choose to STOP HANGING AROUND PEOPLE SHOOTING AT ME.
But…again today I realized there is no escape. I’m STILL bitter with my former employer, but today I ran into people I worked with, I got texts – MULTIPLE – from people I used to work with (which is an indication I’m being spoken about), and people I know from there take my classes. In an anonymous meeting, there were students there from the school I used to work for – they weren’t there as addicts, they were there as medical students. What the fuck? I thought this was anonymous.
There’s no escape, there’s only here and now.
I can’t believe I’m actually getting this, I really thought more of my friends. One said, “you smoked way more than me” and…like I don’t even know how that was provoked. Obviously I’m aware that I have a problem, I admitted I’m an addict.
Today was so fucking hard. I went to a meeting and when I shared, I expressed that it seemed I was functioning “better” when I was using, and every head turned my way and nodded. Words fail me when I try to express how grateful I was for that, to know I’m not the only one. A week in, I know it’ll take another week or so for everything to get out of my system, but to have that acknowledgement from people who have been sober for YEARS was SO validating. It’s not just me, it’s the addictive behavior in all addicts.
I found this resource on how to help someone you love stay sober, and I want to post it to my page MULTIPLE times. However, I also want to add DON’T FUCKING ASK A SOBER PERSON FOR DRUGS.
Do I REALLY have to say that, REALLY?! Maybe there’s a reason it’s not in that list – because it’s FUCKING OBVIOUS.
Okay, clearly I’m experiencing anger now. I’m finding that sobriety is a lot like grief, and I’m definitely going through the stages. When I last got high, I knew it was the last time. I wanted more, but I knew I was done.
“One is too many, and a thousand is never enough.”
God how that one struck me right in the chest. It never is. Ever. I remember when I was cleaning out my stash drawer, I found tons of baggies. It’s embarrassing to admit that it may have been hundreds. I never threw them away, I have no idea why. Like I’d find another use for them.
Come on it’s not like we can expect a user to think rationally 😛
Conversely, I do have to point out I’m getting WAY more support than pushback, so that’s a good thing. People express that they appreciate that I’m sharing my journey, and I was SO reluctant to do so. I still am. Every time I post, I’m think I’ll keep getting more shit, and I may very well until I learn to clean up my environment. But, even still, there will be more. I know this. However, I can at least do SOMETHING about it.
I can say no.
Sometimes, maybe that is the best we can do. Say no, and walk away.
So, it’s not that people are flawed, it’s that we do fucked up things. While people are learning to deal and heal with their own shit, I have to honor my own healing and do the same.
Just as their words, actions and rumors aren’t personal against me, neither is my recovery against them.
I have to do what’s right for me, and I’m transmitting one love for all, especially for myself. That means making good decisions, and honoring my sobriety and wellness over people, situations, and anything that may trigger me.
At least for today.
One day at a time.