Ever get stuck?
Last year I had a huge setback with my personal project (business, book tour and speaking work) and it had an enormous impact on my living situation. I moved from my house to a barn I built on a farm, and worked in exchange for a place to live. I built it so I could stay with the cats that I raised from birth – I was adamant about keeping them. The living conditions were not ideal – it had to be built quickly and inexpensively, so there wasn’t much for sound proofing and there was no running water – but it worked, and my animals were housed with me. Then, things went downhill again. I had to move (the tenants of the house were getting evicted). I had to find a job (an entrepreneur’s worst nightmare). I then had to get my cats adopted out. I was heartbroken.
So, needless to say, this messed with my head. I adopted the same suggestions that were given to me in my early recovery – attend 90 meetings in 90 days. Call people. Work with a sponsor. Stay clean, no matter what.
Despite the external circumstances (working for someone else again, not having my animals anymore, weight gain, debts, depression), there were some wins. My recovery stayed strong. I celebrated my one year clean with my home group. I became a sponsor. I got booked to speak. I finished my podcast. I kept my yoga and group fitness classes and even picked up another class to teach at the fitness center I interned with two years ago. My cats were placed into loving homes and are receiving the kind of love, attention, shelter and safety that I could not provide for them.
Things didn’t turn out how I wanted them to, but they turned out exactly as they needed to.
There’s this part of me that feels incredibly disinclined to share this (ego-centered fear). I’m a smashing success story! I’m a published author! I’m an amazing speaker! Why bother showing this side of myself, my life, and my business?
Because it’s REAL. We don’t often witness the struggles of a rising star, and we only hear about the myriad of shit someone endured *after* they become the best-selling author, multi-millionaire, leader in their field and so on. We don’t witness their journey, and when asked, they often say they wish more of that was addressed.
This is truth. This is authentic. This isn’t some made up bullshit. There’s no fucking way I’d make this shit up. I know it’s real – the pain is REAL.
I attended the regional meeting of the National Speakers Association in Tampa this weekend, and our keynote speaker Deb Cheslow provided us with an achievement worksheet. Our assignment was to come up with a list of objectives and goals (mine are to develop a thriving speaking business, to be significant, to positively impact people’s lives, and to spread and empower authenticity). The next assignment was to list two things we are going to do this week to work toward our goal (mine were to FEEL what it’s like to have achieved my goals, and to meditate on that for 10 minutes a day). We then networked to find an accountability partner (I found two) and schedule a time to speak with our partner about what we’re doing. The final assignment was to list the systems we’ll put into place to achieve our goals (mine were to connect with people who have what I want and develop their systems and habits, and to network and attend events with an OPEN MIND).
This sounds lovely and sunshine dandy, but for me (having failed), it’s hard seeing MYSELF as the one doing these things. My mind plays tricks on me. This is because it’s not just fear holding me back, it’s the logic derived from personal experience. Also, I have sick thinking. I’m a recovering addict. Of course my mind is going to tell me I’m never going to succeed. Coupled with flare-ups from my spinal injuries (my body loves to remind me that I’ve been hit by two trucks and knocked in the head more times than I can remember), my brain isn’t exactly in a beautiful state.
However, my recovery is stronger than my disease today. It’s not my will, it’s God’s. He didn’t make all these things happen to me – He gave me the strength to walk through it all. And if he kept me alive through everything that had the potential to kill me (my injuries as well as my life in active addiction), then ya damn right He isn’t going to let me down now. He gives me the opportunities and the abilities, and it’s my job to take action.
Here’s how I’m taking action:
Every day, I’m reviewing my list of 100 assets from my Fourth Step.
Every day, I’m reviewing my list of the things I want in a relationship.
Every day I’m mediating on what my business looks like.
That last one is an ongoing challenge, and I’m working on ways to see it more clearly in my mind. Today I made the list of what my speaking business looks like, and next week I’d like to keep networking with folks and find someone who has what I want. Working with a mentor will help me see things even more clearly.
Also, one of my accountability partners plans to make a vision board this week, and I told him I’d like to make that part of my goals this week as well. We have a shit-ton of magazines at the yoga studio from a vision board workshop we did months ago, so once I get permission from the other teachers to ransack our stash, I’m gonna get in on that, Thankfully I have loads of pictures of me speaking on stage, so adding those won’t be a problem at all.
Even though I *KNOW* daily meditation and visualizing are an integral part of smashing goals, I faltered. I wasn’t allowing myself to see it. Once I started working again, I fell into malaise. I felt like this was it, that maybe the best was already over. But, that’s not my life today. My past doesn’t define me, and it certainly doesn’t mean my future is set. It’s all been an education, a training, a test. These experiences are all bricks and steps, leading me to the next phase of my journey.
The journey isn’t a straight path; it’s more like a quagmire. But, it’s my swamp, and I’ve got some damn good boots to walk through it (by boots, of course I mean habits and skills).
So, I shall journey on, and with my resources and habits utilized daily, I’ll keep moving forward.
I know I can do this. There are moments that I also feel I can do it. I’d like to keep working on the feeling part, especially since feelings dictate action WAY more than thoughts.
Here’s to the next level ♥