Today I shared with a fellow recovering addict that it took less effort for me to put down drugs than it did for me to admit that I’m an addict. It took much less effort to quit drinking than to admit that I’m an alcoholic. It was much easier for me to be with a woman than it was to say out loud, “I’m gay.”
Though these are all things that are a part of me that I live with and have accepted, these seemingly defects of character are now something that I can do something positive with.
It took a while for me to admit these things, and though yes, I am public about my sobriety and recovery, it is NOT COOL to be fucking OUTED.
That is MY business to share and I don’t give a damn how long someone else has been clean, sober, or in recovery, that doesn’t make us friends and that gives them NO RIGHT to talk about fellowship outside the halls of our meetings, especially if that person has NEVER attended a meeting with me!
Today I was fucking outed by someone who was told by another person about me, and it was in front of other people, in a place that I do business in. It happened right before I had to carry out business, so I was pretty shaken and had to pull it together to make things work successfully. I had been struggling today with some inner monkey mind matters, and after this happened, I felt a rush and knowledge that “it gets worse before it gets better.”
Things are kinda scary and in a weird limbo, unknown, faith over fear place (and gotdang is there some fear, yo), so to have this on top of it just adds to the “are you fucking kidding me” sundae.
When I was outed as a lesbian, I had a girlfriend and I had only told a few selective people, because at the time, I had no protection at my former job for being gay and then I was outed to human resources. Ironically, once LGBT was added to the anti-discrimination policy, I got into hot water and it ended badly. Ostensibly badly for me, at first, but this is a work-in-progress, and they won’t get away with it.
Being outed is NOT COOL. I have no choice over who I am, and though I take action and can talk about it, it’s MY CHOICE where I speak about it, to whom, and how I go about it. It is NOT something that should come up in conversation, especially in front of OTHER people. Particularly where I’m doing business!!
Today, I feel solid in my sobriety, and once I commit to something, I DO IT. I always do. I take on impossible challenges and I champion over them. It’s my way. It’s been difficult finding the right people to go to in fellowship, and I had to make some tough choices and be very selective about whom I befriend, work with on sponsorship, and communicate with. This was the result of people getting to know me and then it backfired. I had an instinct to be selective and it has served me well. I am still flummoxed that this happened.
I’m reminded that I have the character and integrity to stand up to these things, just like when I was outed as gay, just like when I went public about giving up alcohol (before I could utter the words “I’m an alcoholic”…it took YEARS from the time I stopped until the time I could say the words out loud). When people blab and open their mouths and spread things that is no business of theirs to spread, I’m reminded to learn from that example and do better with my actions. If someone does something that I don’t like, then I want to avoid doing that thing.
Regardless of who we know, how we know the same people, and how long someone’s been sober, it’s not cool to talk to me outside of a meeting about my recovery.
Anonymous my ass.
Now onto writing about more positive things and being the change I want to see in the world. Breathe in, breathe out, and move on.